Ouran High School Host Club, let's hang out!

Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:50 pm

Chapter One, A Word From Fujioka

My life wasn’t supposed to be this stupid, just so you know me about it. It’s hard to figure out how to explain to people that Tamaki and the others don’t really stop speaking as many languages as they can, so long as ladies are involved, and you do it with the same set of words everybody else has access to on the internet; all of them, dumbasses.
Look, it’s hard enough to get anyone to believe that I never wanted to become a lawyer, but there was no way I was going to explain to a bunch of commoners why I, the great Haruhi Fujioka, would lower myself to play house with them, at the host club.
I’m not sure why any of you never thought it would be fun for me, the great Haruhi Fujioka, to mock everything about your delicate sensibilities, and figure out how to tell you a story you never really knew about, because it’s not like you watch good anime, or anything; that would be weird.
So the last time I got to know my friends, I never really had to tell anybody that I was dying to know what the host club would do with somebody like me, when I confused the hell out of them, by playing a boy, then a girl, then a boy, then a boy again, then a girl, and nobody ever had to know why it was so alarming to somebody like Hikaru Hitachiin, until you got to know him, because he always assumed that you had to be some kind of hermaphroditic weirdo to be able to hang out as either gender role whosa whatsits.
It’s not a bad idea to let me know what you’re interested in, you know. There’s all sorts of things I never even heard of until I came here to Ouran High School, so don’t worry so much about what you’re telling me, even if I look a little perplexed, okay?
The idea that you wouldn’t know a host if it bit you in the ass, Hikaru Hitachiin, or should I say, Kaoru’s evil twin brother, and I don’t know why you guys haven’t watched enough Vampire Diaries to know what a doppleganger is, and that the lore has always been that there’s a double of some people out there, set to ruin their life and take away their power.
Do you have any idea how insane it is that you never noticed how evil that kid has always been? Do you have any idea how easy it is to tell those two apart, any time they ask? I just have to look at them, and one is telling me, ‘You can’t do this. No one’s ever been able to do this. It’s impossible, just give up!’ and the other one’s screaming, ‘Come on, Haruhi! I know you know what I look like! Check it out! See? It’s me, Hikaru!’
And of course that means it’s Kaoru, who’s been an indestructible destroyer of evil and lover of boys and ladies alike, and yes I can attest to that, ever since Tamaki-senpai brought him into the Host Club, all those ages and ages ago.
I really don’t think you understand just what the hell Tamaki Suou was even talking about when he kept saying we were a bunch of boys and girls with way too much time on our hands. You go to class at Ouran, when you’re bored with whatever else you’re doing.
Most days, you just screw around and start a project with just about anybody you want to talk to, and I managed to get into the most social, badass club I could possibly have hoped to be a part of, and yes, we had way more hosts than you’ve ever seemed to know about, till now, anyway.
Don’t worry so much about Kaoru, because he’s in good hands, and surrounded by friends, and if anybody besides me could tell the difference, because a boy called Hikaru came to her house to make love to her the night before, it’s because Kaoru loves screwing with Hikaru, when every girl who’s had him realizes there’s only one lover amongst the two, and never has trouble telling them apart, but never says.
It’s more than a little alarming that nobody knows how many times Hikaru actually got kicked out of the Host Club. Seriously? Tamaki and Kaoru weren’t about to take some of the evil malware he tried implanting in girls’ heads, trying to make them think girls were somehow less than boys in every way, by acting like they just couldn’t hold his attentions like they really cared, after all. It’s not like he could really blame you, maybe girls and boys just aren’t meant to be together like they say, after all…. ..
See how creepy that was, even just coming from me? Hikaru’s a twisted little bastard, but it’s hard not to laugh and have fun with him when everybody involved knows what a cretin he can be, and we can’t stop screwing with his head.
Don’t ever doubt what I’m talking about, unless you want some nasty little bastard to be able to call himself your friend and fill you with all sorts of bogus malware thinking patterns that make you belittle yourself at every turn and doubt the way people you cared about really feel about you.
It’s ugly that anybody ever thought that my dad wasn’t a total pervert and weirdo, in the worst sort of ways. He would run on and on about how much he admired and loved and wanted to emulate powerful women, but no one would look at a woman doing the ridiculous, mocking, controlling bullshit my dad always seemed to be doing, and think she was anything other than a crazy bitch and a menace to society and women alike.
If you ever actually thought he was anything like my Tamaki-senpai, you’re out of your freaking mind, and you need to read up on mockingbirds. They kill the offspring of other birds, and their hatchlings grow up to look like cruel mockery of whatever that parent bird was, and they cry out like total assholes, and nobody seems to figure out why that one bird is so ugly and obnoxious, well, there you go, why is it everybody hates Hikaru and loves Kaoru? Is one a beautiful songbird, and the other a reject, child murdering mockingbird who strings together song syllables in way he thinks will give him attention? Same deal, with my dad versus Tama-chan.
Okay seriously though, if none of you knew I was in love with Honey-senpai from the moment we met then you’re all completely retarded. He never wanted to do anything but act exactly the way he wanted to, kid or grownup, badass or sweetheard, because he’s all those things, and he knows it, so nothing he says, does he have to worry about sounding childish, or different, or, you know, not his place, or kind, right?
Nobody seems to know why Tama-chan doesn’t seem to know the difference between boys and girls, any longer, but he never really did in the first place, and right when he was thinking he might have a handle on it, I went and shattered his reality for me.
Guess how many times Tamaki put his hand down my pants when we were making out, just to check for sure about me? Like, never, basically. Who told you I was making out with Tamaki Suou? Whaaaat? You’re out of your mind, lady. That’s crazy. You’re crazy.
The fact that you’re still here means you either already know something about Ouron High School Host Club, or you’d like to, and to put it in some finer words, it’s where young, wealthy boys with far too much time on their hands entertain darling, impressionable young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands.
It’s a story about romance in so many different directions, you can scarcely figure out how to tell people that nobody ever had to explain the difference between boys and girls for you not to have to worry about what sex someone was, but whether or not you found them sexy, at all.
I like the way I am, right now, and I don’t plan on changing. That’s the stupidest thing you’ll ever hear me pretending to say, by the way. I learned all sorts of things at Ouran, and I don’t see how I could ever stop changing, but that’s just what I always did, anyway… ..
If you want to have some adventures with us again, and come figure out how many more stories we could tell you about, about all those crazy parties we were throwing, all over the freaking planet, for god’s sakes!, in freaking castles and nuclear power plants and batcaves or whatever else you can freaking think of to do with whatever amount of money you want Kyouya to grub up for us, then come hang out with here, at Ouran High School Host Club!
Or don’t, ya freaking animals, see if I care?

Thu Jan 31, 2019 2:54 pm

Chapter Two, A Life from Kyouya's Point of View

Nobody had to tell you, that I’d never had agreed to this host club business, if my sister hadn’t been so sure I’d never be in love with anyone but Tamaki Suou, she started fucking my brains out on a daily basis, to get me to be more personable, and interested in women, anyway, and it worked wonders, I’d have to say… ..
Nobody seems to know just how I treated those splendid guests of ours, and I can’t believe you’d think I was such an asshole and horrid host as to stand around with a clip board making snide comments about what was going on every day?! No one would even start to care what I even started to want to say about Tamaki Suou’s capriciousness, overall forein there within forewith and foretu on again,. .. ..
Liken it or not to a bad case of poor judgment, but my priority level with figuring on how long it actually took for Tamaki Suou, our loving president and my apparent social counterpart and opposite to Renge’s classist dispusionary mental associating tactics, so the idea idea that anyone would know or want to know, even, whether or not I liked to make love to females or males, even, would be a ridiculous notion, considering my insanely overt interest in the host club and the care of its guests, and my love for foreplay, thereonin and forthwith… ..
My life as you know it is a sham. You’ve never had to see, now where do I conduct myself? I actually have no idea how many of these chapters of my versions you’ve actually read, so far. This could be your eighth or tenth readthrough of these great many chapters, for all I know, but then again, perhaps you’re of insufficient mental calibur to disassociate my voice from this character, and this chapter just fucks with your head faaar too much for you to really have anything to say about it afterwards, don’t you think, pleasant mockingbirds?
Look at it this way; my life as you know it never has to be anything less than what you think a real person in my situation could or would even want to be capable of. This is more than you’d ever needed to know about, honestly, and the last time you had to worry about my life, was the first time anything we never needed to know about, was mine, or yours, or my beloved Tamamki Suou’s, and the rest of all my life you never needed to actually hear about, was nothing less than a bullshit interpretation squeezed of all its dearest fluids, because no one understood why the taller than Suou boy with dark hair and stylish glasses, could be a decent host to males and females alike, in an intelligent and sociable fashion?
It’s not hard to see why I, in particular, would take offense to past references of my overall character, and let it be known from this chapter in on out, that I’d never have been so great a fool as to deprive myself of the love of a person like Tamaki Suou, and the master hacker that came to us to save the host club from an unstoppable host of wicked mockingbirds set on destroying out intent by bastardizing our methods and turning it into a debaucherous, shamble of existences… ..
My life as you’ve known it, doesn’t have to end, because I know without a doubt, that we’ve all been able to preserve something of what we once were, or are, as the case tends to bridge both, without reason or trouble thereforrit, in all representations you’d ever thought to see of us. This is always the case with social misfits like Haruhi Fujioka’s closest friends and family therein. We do what we love because we do as we please, so if ever you wanted to hear my voice again, then please, enjoy as many man ga chapters as you care to, or partake in the anime, to thrive on the voice actors’ praise of reality and the musicians’ beautiful addition to our poetic mantra of reality, love, sex and social foreplay, all on there and to on in without, again… ..
My life again so said for, was never anything you truly needed to know about, so why, I wonder, would you think I never or ever or cared to admit that I’d want to or know you or think you could know me or think that I was what you thought that I could be and all that you could be was what we once were once so said for the witches and said for the whores, cuz all that we are is what cute ones adored, so said for all I was once and all that I am, for I know what I said for, and see what I am… ..

Thu Jan 31, 2019 3:25 pm

Chapter the Third, Hey, It’s Me, Kaoru!

It wasn’t all that hard, really, to remember why nobody else seemed to think Hikaru and I are totally alike, except that everybody already totally thinks that, so why would we have to say any differently, anyway?
It’s not hard to imagine, though, and this is Hikaru talking, that the rest of all our friends never had to know the difference between the two of us, because like, why would we even care who they were, and never had to know about in the first place, whatforrit?
I don’t say what forrit, Kaoru.
I didn’t say you did, Hikaru, I just happened to be Kaoru when I said it. Do I have to update everyone on the difference between us every time, or isn’t there one, Hikaru-senpai?
“Don’t call me senpai unless we’re alone together, it’s weird!”
“Hikaru, why do you have to embarrass me in front of our guests like that?”
“Kaoru, quit being such a baby all the time, it’s really annoying,” Haruhi Fujioka put in, rather rudely, I might add, “just fight back already; either make him feel like crap about himself or kick him in the pants section, why don’t you?”
Hikaru looked uncomfortable. “Why doesn’t somebody kick Haruhi in the pants, so we can all find out once and for all if he’s really a-”
“Hikaru, stop that! Nobody’s touching my little girl’s ballsack today!”
“I’ll be the judge of that, senpai, so just stay out of it already. There’s such thing as a good touch, you know, and who knows, I might just be in for that sort of thing.”
The girls all there, and there were only about seven, this hour, were giggling or sort of silently freaking out, either way.
Boss looked alarmed. “A-are you serious, my darling Haruhi Fujioka? You… you want someone to touch you…” he dropped his voice to a whisper, “your private areas?”
“All boys like the good touch, Tamaki,” said Fujiko, laughing a little at the way Tamaki nearly balked at her. “It’s not that hard to imagine why Haruhi’s so upset, after all. Maybe he just wants some alone time with Hikaru, so they can kick or caress each other’s, hah, ‘private areas’, all they wants to.”
“Okay can we stop talking about touching private parts for-”
“Hikaru’s not ashamed, is he?” Boss looked curious.
“No, I’m not ashamed, I only-”
“Hikaru doesn’t know the difference, even, between a good touch and a bad touch, I’ll bet,” said Haruhi Fujuika, the insatiable cur that she wasn’t.
“I do too know the difference, Haruhi Fujioka!”
“You say my last name like it’s supposed to scare me, or something. It’s not going to, you know. You could even say it backwards, ‘Akoi-joof Eehura’, and it’s not really that terrifying.”
“Did Belzeneff teach you that one?” asked Kaoru, curiously genuine innitself, whatforhim.
“No, not Belzeneff, it was the, uh, the other one, what’s his name?”
“Oh Belzeneff’s puppet, that boy, Nekozawa,” Tamaki supplied.
It wasn’t only the four hosts until about an hour and a half before, and everything had been going pretty well, up until just then… ..
“Are we seriously going to confuse the issue, at this point?” Hikaru couldn’t seem to let anything go, lately.
“Alright, that’s it Hikaru. Get your ass out of that chair and come outside, I’m kicking your ass again, today, once and for all, in the field, right now.” Haruhi looked more destined, than angry, really.
“Are you kidding me right now?” Kaoru looked like he might not even know what to say, to such a thing.
“What is this, some kind of a stupid game? You’d get your ass kicked, Haru-chan, you’re a-”
Tamaki Suou tipped Hikaru’s already leaning back chair, just then, to shut him up or satisfy his own cravings, no one would ever truly know, actually. The boss was convinced Haruhi was really a girl, at that point in time, so it seemed likely Haruhi wasn’t going to have to do anything but kick Hikaru’s ass, ball sack equipped or not, as the case might have been. I wasn’t really sure, at that point in time, because Haruhi could do both, on a moment’s notice, and it freaked the hell out of Hikaru so often I couldn’t even figure how not to laugh at him, mostly.
“Hey, what the hell is your problem, Suou?!” Hikaru didn’t have time to get up before Haruhi kicked him, not-so-lightly, in the shoulders, twice.
“Come on, dumbass, I said we’re gunna fight, so we might as well do it right here and now, instead of wasting everybody’s time going out to the field, knowhatimeanforrit?”
“Haruhi you’re out of your damn mind, right now!” He wasn’t even getting up, yet, like that was going to protect a man while he was down, somehow. “Quit kicking me, hey!”
“Man up, pansy. It’s honor on the line, now. What, you afraid of a few more bruises?”
“Alright, that’s it!” He scrambled, trying to get up. “I’m kicking your ass and I’m not holding back, either!”
“Take it easy Haru-chan,” said Kaoru.
“Don’t call me Haru-chan like that’s not half the reason I’m kicking Hikaru’s ass today.” She wasn’t letting him get up without a few annoying kicks, which was pretty damn funny, honestly, cuz she wasn’t really hurting him all that bad, just yet. “I’ll kick your sorry ass two, Kaoru, or right at the same time, if you wants to, and don’t you think you can interfere, Senpai!”
“I wouldn’t dare interrupt my little girl’s daring exhibition match against our beautiful Hitachiin twins. Though perhaps we should wait for Mori-senpai to referee or-”
“Exhibition match? Is that what you think is about to happen? Oh no, Senpai,” she tripped Hikaru, like it was nothing. “I’m gunna kick the ever loving crap out of him, for real this time. He’s been pissing me off like this for ages, now.”
“Haruhi, I can’t just let you take down my brother like this! If you’re not both shirtless, it feels like there’s not even any point to this!”
“Well, I’m not gunna take my shirt off, forrit,” she was lightly boxing at Hikaru, by then, pissing him off by slapping his shoulders really hard, easily getting past his guards, or whatever. “But if you want to imagine me naked, that’d be okay, I guess. It’s not like I could stop you.”
“Oh my goodness, Haru-chan,” said Souka Morino, like she wasn’t running the risk of Haruhi kicking her ass today, too, “are you really going to resort to violence, like some common thug? Right here, in the middle of Ouran Academy?”
“Tamaki say something host like, and no one call me Haru-chan while I’m beating somebody’s ass, okay? It’s just gunna make me hurt the Hitachiin dopplegangar even worse than I thought I’d initially wanted. So go ahead, actually, it might get kind of funny, in here, forrit.”
Haruhi didn’t really do anything for the next ten or so minutes but beat the crap out of my older brother, who was kind of an asshole, lately, and didn’t really know how to fight, apparently, so it was pretty funny, and anybody who thought Haru-chan couldn’t take control of a fight well enough to keep it getting too out of control and barbarian was out of their minds, because it looked like the easiest thing she’d ever even done before!

Ouran High School Host Club, let's hang out!

Ouran High School Host Club, let's hang out!

Ouran High School Host Club, see what we are!

Ouran High School Host Club, who wants to fight?

Re: Ouran High School Host Club, let's hang out!